a musical advent calendar: day 1

my first memories of going to church are learning this song for a 

christmas program when i was probably 5 or 6. 

even then, i had an unnatural love for all things music. 

this song always, always, always reminds me of that 

little church in kingfisher, oklahoma, with its 'live' nativity scene. 

i often give thanks for those women who so patiently taught us these lines. 

Inhale. Exhale.

sometimes my yoga mat feels like a life boat.

sometimes it feels like a magic carpet.

that spongy rectangle is a sacred space, a sanctuary for my soul.  

"When you inhale, you are taking the strength from God. 

When you exhale, it represents the service you are giving to the world." -  B.K.S. Iyengar

my favorite little mexican.

 happy 8th birthday to the studliest chihuahua of all time!!  

(that may sound like an oxymoron. i assure you, he's the chuck norris of chichis.) 

i love my little nook! 

vegetarian tacos with spinach, corn & goat cheese

this is a busy week sandwiched between visits from 

my family last weekend & dustin's family this coming weekend.  

my dad spoke truth during his visit here when he said that people in this city have to live with intention; meaning the menial things need to be planned well so

 that 'real' life can be truly enjoyed. 

he was oh-so right. 

(more on their visit to come...)

as city dwellers, dustin and i try to plan our meals each week 

in an effort to maximize our time. 

(as i'm sure most of you do!) 

this little recipe from Real Simple has been a staple for 

the past few months so i thought i would share. 

it's easy, it's healthy, and it's inexpensive! 

1 TB olive oil

1 14  oz package extra firm tofu- drained, patted dry & crumbled 

OR 

1 can of black beans- drained & rinsed 

(i can not like tofu.)

1 1/2 tsp chili powder

kosher salt (i omit this since my beans have salt.) 

black pepper

1 10 oz pkg frozen corn

1 5 oz pkg baby spinach

8 small flour tortillas

crumbled goat cheese

salsa

heat the oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. add the protein of your choice, chili powder, 1/2 tsp salt (again, optional) and 1/4 tsp pepper. 

cook, tossing occasionally, 4-5 minutes. 

cook the corn as directed on the package in the meantime. 

add the corn to the tofu or bean mix. 

add the spinach and 1/4 tsp salt and pepper. toss until wilted. 

fill the tortillas with the protein mix, goat cheese & salsa.

this serves 4 and only takes about 20 minutes total! 

enjoy! 

color my life with the chaos of trouble.

tonight's dance party is brought to you by belle & sebastian:

for emily & dylan

“Strangers are just friends I haven't met yet.” - Will Rogers

in just 72 hours, d & i will be hosting my family for a tour of my city life!! 

my mom & dad are bringing my teenage 

brother and sister to chicago for their first 'big city' experience. 

dylan & emily have grown up in the same little town that raised me. a small agricultural community in western oklahoma. a one stoplight town. an everyone-knows-you-&-your-business town. 

when i was around 13 years old, my parents took me on a trip to dallas, (which is BIG city to a country girl!) i can't say that i had ever given much thought about where i would live as an adult prior to that trip. that desolate oklahoma town was my home. i am not sure i had yet considered a life outside of it. but city life mesmerized me...the life, the energy, the constant movement & sound & experience & diversity. 

i apologized to my parents then & there because i knew that city life was my gig. 

i knew i was movin' out of sayre as soon as i possibly could. 

so this blog is for emily & dylan. 

here's some big-sister advice for two kids who will be 

standing where i stood all those years ago: 

dearest siblings, 

i am so stoked to squeeze your necks in just 3 days!! we have lots of fun things planned for your trip!

i hope that we can make this adventure memorable for you....an experience you'll always remember. 

before you arrive, i want you to dwell on a few ideas....

the true beauty of traveling is the intense & sudden awareness that life does not, in fact, 

revolve around you....that there are customs & cultures & fashion & sexuality & languages & religions that have molded people into an entirely different breed than the ones you are accustomed to experiencing.  i promise promise promise you that if you keep your mind open to the beauty of this diversity, you will certainly fall head over heels in love with the tapestry of humanity that dwells within this city. 

listen intently to the languages, the music you hear. 

taste the magnificent variety of ethnic foods. 

consider the possibility that you may learn something fascinating from 

someone who is not white, not protestant and who is not heterosexual.  

i know that in your lives god is very real to you. you hear about him at home, at church and at school. 

what you may not understand fully is that the god you worship looks different to other people. 

(though many will argue that point.)

but for this week, carry this idea with you:

so try to see god in every face you see.

remember that jesus loved the freaks & geeks & weirdos & outcasts. 

avoid casting any preconceived notions about what you 

believe to be "normal" on the people you encounter. 

be kind. be polite. 

savor the differences as well as the sameness. 

also....

take lots of pictures. 

look BOTH ways before you cross the street! 

everyone is in a huge hurry to get somewhere. they will run you over! 

don't wave your phones around. especially on the trains. they are a hot commodity for thieves. 

make sure you use your phone wisely & keep it charged. if you get lost, you'll need it. 

pack lightly. 

try new things. 

be adventurous.  

go with the flow. 

ask questions. 

be patient. 

despite the fact that everyone is rushing around like a chicken without a head, it takes longer to get places & lines can be long & walks can seem like miles. enjoy the scenery. 

be nice to one another. 

or you're sleeping on the porch. 

i love you both more than you could know. 

see you soon! 

sissy. 

summer sipper

dustin & i had a few of our fabulous friends over this weekend to celebrate the end of summer. 

(can you believe it's almost over?!!?) 

i thought i'd share the recipe for this lovely watermelon concoction: 

watermelon margaritas

2 tsp sugar

1 lime wedge

3 1/2 cubs cubed watermelon

1/2 c tequila

2 tb sugar

3 tb fresh lime juice

1 tb triple sec 

lime wedges & watermelon balls (optional)

1. place 2 tsp sugar in a saucer. rub the rims of 6 glasses with 1 lime wedge; spin rim of each glass in sugar to coat. set prepared glasses aside. 

2. combine watermelon & next 4 ingredients in blender; process until smooth. fill each prepared glass with 1/2 c crushed ice. add 1/2 c margarita to each glass. garnish with lime wedges or melon balls. 

serves 6. 

105 calories per serving. 

what i know today.

I believe in love. I believe in wonder. I believe in silence. I believe in beauty. I believe in hand-written letters. I believe in sweat. I believe in stretching your limits and pushing boundaries. I believe in respect for creatures great & small and the habitat in which they dwell. I believe in laughter. I believe in adventure. I believe in apologies. I believe in conviction. I believe in passion. I believe in loyalty. I believe in second chances. I believe in six second hugs. I believe in giving. I believe in gratitude. I believe love = love whether it is between a man & a woman or man & man or woman & woman. I believe in freedom. I believe in taking risks. I believe in prayer. I believe in stillness. I believe in chaos. I believe in holding hands. I believe in listening intently. I believe in balance. I believe in standing up for yourself and others. I believe in books with worn edges that you can touch & smell & savor. I believe in stories. I believe in the sanctity of nature. I believe in travel. I believe in God. I believe in simplicity. I believe in truth. I believe in quiet walks through the woods. I believe in change. I believe in transparency. I believe a meal shared with friends is a treasured gift. I believe in diversity. I believe in learning. I believe in a nice glass of wine. I believe you can see God in every face. I believe togetherness and loneliness are essential components of a well-balanced life. I believe in the power of music. I believe every end is a new beginning. I believe in hard work. I believe in the grace and the mystery that accompanies each sunrise. I believe in the unexplainable. I believe in the force of nature. I believe you should not believe everything you have been taught. I believe in changing your mind & starting, stopping or starting over. I believe in teachers. I believe in being who you want to be. I believe the great outdoors is the best classroom imaginable. I believe in mothers & fathers & those that step in to raise a child the best way they know how. I believe in forgiveness. I believe in service. I believe you should question everything that does not feel right to your soul. I believe in being kind, not only to others, but to yourself. I believe in peace. I believe the universe is unfolding as it should. I believe in synchronicity. I believe in the power of your breath. I believe in instinct. I believe that we are not bodies with a soul, but a soul with a body. I believe in individuality. I believe in character. I believe dreams can come true. I believe you should follow your bliss. I believe there is great freedom when you learn when to say yes and no based on what is in the best interest of your heart. I believe in letting go. I believe in boldness. I believe in spontaneity. I believe that not all that wander are lost. I believe in earnest effort. I believe in hustle & perseverance. I believe it is wisdom to believe the heart. 

I believe today is the youngest we will ever be again; 

let’s live like it. 

breaking the seal.

crikey!! it's been ages since i've been able to sit down & write!

after several weeks, one new apartment, one mini-michigan vacation

& an entire month sans internet, i'm back to the blogosphere. 

in the meantime, i have been doing a lot of reading.
blogs & books & magazines.
i've been learning about  life & careers 
& spirituality
& yoga
& food
& medicine
& music
& traveling.
i've been happy & sad & back again.
dozens of things i've wanted to share, 

but for one reason or another, it hasn't happened.

maybe i needed the break. time to reassess, to be inspired.
to share deeply & fully.
to become more aware of who i am becoming.
to grow more bold.
to listen more intently.
to look back & plan ahead.
and to let go.

this little blog was meant to be about my life, my evolution, my journey.
and so it continues....

Let it always be known that I was who I am.

the cool, grey city of love

 “I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”  – Mark Twain

...sigh...

our first real vacation together officially ended today. 

i came home to two sleepy doggies, a lonely bed & a mostly empty refrigerator. 

my OCD-self wants to unpack the bags & start the laundry. 

my body wants dinner & a glass of wine & a good night's sleep. 

but my brain is still on pacific time... 

a beautiful montage of memories spins behind my eyes every time i try to close them. 

we. had. a. magical. time. 

this great adventure was full of love & adventure & spontaneity....

weddings & wine tasting & long walks & beaches & dear friends...

delicious food & scenery & bicycles & tattoos... 

sun & rain & sand & hiking & surf...

holding hands & naps & umbrellas & band aids....

...sigh...

i'd do it all over again if i weren't terrified it wouldn't be as perfect as the first time. 

so i'll just document all i can in word & photo....

and in the decades that come, dustin & i will look back & fall in love with those days 

& with one another all over again. 

whirrrrrrrrlwind.

the past month has been a doozy. dustin and i have had some sort of event nearly every single day. literally.

we've made some beautiful memories these past few weeks. 

 here's hoping pictures are worth a thousand words: 

we saw BOTH airborne toxic event shows at the Metro...

we witnessed two dear friends get married in Milwaukee...

we traveled to Sarasota to celebrate dustin's grandfather's birthday...

we saw the Tree of Life & Peter Pan. 

we saw Iron & Wine...and Brandi Carlile & Ray Lamontagne...and Dispatch.  

all in one week. 

we witnessed two more precious friends tie the knot...

we saw Paul Thorn at SPACE to celebrate a friend's birthday. 

we spent an adventurous weekend with some of my lovely besties. 

and tomorrow we return to SPACE to see Matt Duke. 

whew. 

if you'll be my bodyguard....

to my dad. happy father's day, pops. i love you. 

kale-afornia

i go through strange phases when it comes to food. i'll often go months at a time eating the very same thing for breakfast every day....and then suddenly switch to something else for no apparent reason other than i just feel the need to move on. (please avoid psychoanalyzing that statement.)  

when i was an M.A. at Children's, i took 2 eggs, 2 tiny tortillas and two soy sausage patties for breakfast every. single. day. then i went through a snickers marathon bar kick.  (and that got $$.) there was also a long-standing oatmeal, nut & fruit phase. 

of course, peanut butter & banana sandwiches are on a frequent rotation. 

lately, my most favorite breakfast AND lunch has included this lovely new-to-me green, kale. 

for breakfast, it's a kale apple smoothie and for lunch, it's a kale salad. (not necessarily on the same day!)  yummmmmmm. 

this smoothie reminds me of the chunky green drink Rene Russo drinks in The Thomas Crown Affair. (one of the sexiest movies EVER.) it's oh-so-delicious. i must share. for one smoothie:  

combine 3/4 cup (or so) chopped kale with the ribs & thick stems removed

1 small stalk of chopped celery

1/2 banana

1/2 c apple juice (i'm usually anti-juice as D knows...but 1/2 c seems ok!)

1/2 c ice

1 TB fresh lemon juice

add some sort of protein on the side...and voila! breakfast on the go! 

the salad is uber simple as well. i copied it from a salad i frequently get at Whole Foods. you simply toss chopped kale, chopped tomatoes, fresh lemon juice, olive oil, a dash of kosher or sea salt and some almonds or pine nuts. (the whole foods version has dried cranberries, but i usually omit them.)

i have a serving of smoked salmon with a little spreadable cheese on the side. it's scrum-diddly-umptious, i tell ya! 

on a sidenote, we have only four weeks & 3 days until our california adventure. 

(but who is counting?!?!) 

in honor of sun & fun....and for your aural pleasure, here's a happy song: 

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won't, and that's a wife who can't cook and will. ~Robert Frost

i bought a new book this weekend.  i found it as dustin and i were running errands around the city. 

d was kind enough to drive as i focused all my attention on this new lovely hardback. i had at least half of it read before we made our way home. 

anyone who has known me for several years understands how remarkably strange this excitement is. when i graduated from college, i knew how to make 2 things- ramen noodles and baked potatoes. that's it. about three years ago, the universe shifted, the planets realigned....and i decided to teach myself how to cook. i had just moved to sayre to start my first year practicing as a PA. i suddenly had 

every. single. night. with. nothing. to. do. 

i had spent the previous 4 years devoting my free time wholly to studying. i had absolutely no interest in cooking. quite frankly, i couldn't understand why people would want to spend so much time on creating something that would (hopefully) quickly disappear. 

then in my first spring back in Western Oklahoma, my book club chose Animal, Vegetable, Miracle  for our selection. not to sound trite, but it changed my perception about food & cooking. i slowly started to experiment with recipes. i started making meals FROM SCRATCH. what a foreign concept! i laugh now at how little i knew about cooking in those first few months. with my parents only 2 blocks up the street, bless their hearts, i shared my bounty....good and bad. (boy, were there some atrocious ones!)

now i'm far from a chef, but i feel much more comfortable in the kitchen. to my own shock, i actually find pleasure in creating a meal from a long list of ingredients. i have a food processor now. and a very sharp knife. i rarely used pre-packaged foods these days. although, i still crave ramen noodles from time to time. i can easily spend hours hovering over cookbooks & sorting through recipes. now i know the difference between sage & tarragon. i grow my own basil. 

and i learned the hard way that soup should always be cooled before you put in in the blender....unless you'd like to paint your entire kitchen with butternut squash. 

now that i live in chicago, life is infinitely more hectic. evening routines are stuffed with exercise, commutes, dog-walks & social schedules. however, we try our best to be thrifty & eat at home most nights despite the crazy schedules.  mr. rocke is a trooper & he will spend as much time in the kitchen as it takes to finish cooking....but it is admittedly not his favorite hobby. so one of our most cherished meals is a very simple one....

it's a smorgasbord of flavors, a cornucopia of deliciousness, a hodge podge of morsels. 

the line-up changes frequently, but idea is the same...eat whatever you like. 

cleaning your plate is never required to leave the table.

the tradition started a couple of years ago when we were dating long distance. dustin and i would stop by the market for cheese & wine & fruit & crackers and call it 'staying in.' we'd be more than satisfied with this picnic menu. this custom has continued through our first year of cohabitation.  for d's birthday, we threw in some banana bread, granola bites & chocolate covered cherries. last weekend, we nixed the wine for a beer. just this week, it was cheese & kale chips & deviled eggs & hummus with pita with a big glass of milk. it's always interesting to see what kind of concoctions we come up with. it's nice to nibble & chat & share a bottle of wine unhurriedly. plus, the clean-up is always minimal. bonus. 

word to your mother.

the following is based on a true story. 

thirty-two years ago candace e. howard celebrated her first mother's day with a 3 month old baby girl. she was a very young woman...a girl really. this brave woman had trudged through a tremendously difficult pregnancy, a vast majority of the time on crutches with a broken femur. and yet still worked. she had nearly lost her own life in labor, giving her own for mine.  

over the next 3 decades, she overcame circumstances that most would crumble beneath. my mother stood tall...and persevered...and dedicated her life to this baby girl when she was a child herself. raising me was far from easy. she made unimaginable sacrifices to give me this life, but i do not remember seeing my mother feel sorry herself ever. 

never. ever. 

so when it came time to purchase my mother's day card this year, every single one seemed remarkably inadequate. there's no card about gardening or baking or shopping that encompasses ms. howard. 

she's a gem. 

a hero. 

a thoughtful & tender soul. 

an open mind, constantly devouring books & stories. 

she is a quietly but fiercely competitive. 

a loyal advocate. a renown listener. 

an always-there-for-you-even-when-you-are-wrong-kind-of-friend. 

so here's my hug from 974 miles away, mom. 

i love you dearly. 

thank you. 

some people say i've done all right for a girl.

i have been all over the place lately. 

believe it or not, i've spent at least two hours attempting to write a blog over the past two days....and i've scrapped them all. after i wait for several weeks between updates, i tend to lose my stride. i feel rusty & tongue tied. so we'll keep this simple today. 

and random. very, very random: 

 despite dustin's embarrassment, i've really been considering buying me some new wheels. 

aren't these purty?!?! i'm fairly convinced i could rock these down the lake trail this summer! 

and no! i'm not kidding. i used to love skating. i read something recently that mentioned how you played as a kid can often be how you 'play' as an adult. i actually taught myself to skate inside my house as a child. i came across my mom's wheels & would skate from room to room on the carpet. i finally got brave enough to venture outside after a while. then i eventually begged my mom to take me to a real skating rink. i would spend hours & hours skating in circles in a tiny metal building in a nearby town. (god bless my mom for taking me! she must have been bored out of her mind!)

so in honor of this newfound idea, i've got a little song for you: 

a twist on a prayer.

i have been witness to so many beautiful gifts the past few days...

this is for all those i love who have been abundantly blessed 

by love & babies & healing...

May your eyes be wide and seeing

May you learn from the view where you’re kneeling

Know the fear of the world that you’re feeling 

Is the fear of a slave

May you know how the fight was started 

And want as much from the snake as the garden

Wear them both like a glove that you can wave

May your mouth betray your wisdom

May you get what they failed to mention

May your love be your only religion

Preach it to us all

May you lose what you offer gladly 

May you worship the time and it’s passing

Stars won't ever wait for you to watch them fall

We’re the smoke on a burned horizon 

We’re the boat on a tide that’s rising

Both the post and the pig you’re untying 

Put your gun for the blade

Someday we may all be happy

Someday all make a face worth slapping 

Someday we may be shocked to be laughing 

At the way we behave

May your tongue be something wicked

Know your part in the calf and the killing 

See straight through the captain you’re kissing

Helm loose in his hand

May your words be well worth stealing

Put your hand on your heart when singing

The choir’s sick of the song but they’ve still got to stand. 

Little children, the wind is whipping 

Short hands on a clock still ticking 

Both the egg and the red fox grinning 

His belly full for the day

Someday we may all want nothing

And all forget that we’ll get what’s coming

Someday I’ll say the world was something 

That we just couldn’t change

May your hands be strong and willing

May you know when to speak and to listen 

May you find every friend that you’re missing

There’s no check in the mail

May you end there bruised and purple

Know that peace is the shape of a circle

Around and around you go, biting your tail

awakenings.

i've been in a fragile state lately. 

d has been worried about me.  

i almost cried yesterday when it snowed. 

literally.

i have 'joked' about burning my winter coat in the fireplace.

he tried to hide the weather forecast from me this morning because there was a chance it may snow tonight. 

he's a wise man. 

it has been a 

loooooooonnnnnnnnnng 

winter. 

but the sun is coming. 

i can feel it. my body senses it. 

my body & mind & soul 

feel like they are finally waking from an 

expansive hibernation period. 

i've been spring cleaning...

and craving fresh berries 

& wandering through the gardening stores in our neighborhood...

and dreaming of the farmer's market.

i went to yoga today for the first time in a few months. i tried to imagine myself as a sleepy brown bear, 

stumbling & fumbling 

to make my limbs move like they used to.

it only took one downward dog...and my mat felt like home again. 

my teacher said something in class that nudged my soul...she reminded us to not only embrace each pose, but to savor even the transition between. 

hmmm......yes. yes! 

i have been so focused 

(some would say obsessed) 

with how NOT warm it is 

that i have neglected

 to be thankful for how NOT cold it is! 

heck, i wore flip flops to the grocery store tonight! 

with NO coat! 

we saw buds on the trees on our walk this morning!

we drove with the windows down this afternoon! 

so while i may remain ghostly white...

and my sundresses may stay stored away...

i am going to settle into thankfulness. 

i will be grateful that even though it is 

april and 30 degrees...

that it is not january and -30 degrees. 

i will search & delight in the new life blossoming around us. 

and i'll trade that blasted down coat for a new rain coat. 

don't mind if i do!   

To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee. - William H. Walton

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. 

Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. 

Love them and release them. 

Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” 

-Sara Paddison

as you may remember, i stumbled upon this a few months ago....

and then this one in another neighborhood...

and this one on a snowy day, venturing out for sunday brunch...

and this one...

(and a few more in random places that i failed to capture ...)

suffice to say, when words fail me, these pictures will have to testify to what i'm trying to learn 

(and let go all at the same time) these days. 

i'm a thinker, a dweller, an inward facing debater....

i'm constantly tangling & untangling a yarn of emotion & grace & wisdom & fear in a drastic effort to understand who i am and how my soul somehow dwells not only in this body, but in every living thing around me...and how holding on to the past only drowns out the exquisite beauty & joy & wonder that life is so willingly pouring out.